From Guilt to Forgiveness | A Journey of Healing After Abortion

Today Adrienne tells about her journey of forgiveness, freedom, and healing as a mother after having an abortion. I’m thankful for her openness to share this difficult story. The forgiveness she found is freeing and something we all need.

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At the age of 25, I found myself pregnant and unmarried. I made the choice in March of 1980 to terminate my pregnancy and kill my first child. It took salvation and the love of God to set me free from the guilt, sadness, and depression of that sin.

I married in January of 1981 and believed I would have a child that I so desperately wanted. In February 1982 my second child was conceived. To say I was thrilled would be an understatement. We heard the baby’s heartbeat, but at 12 weeks I miscarried at home. I was able to hold that child in the palm of my hand. My mind and heart went back to what I’d done and believed this was my punishment for aborting my first child. I struggled to come to terms with how God could even love me, much less forgive me.

I had a third pregnancy which also ended in miscarriage in January 1983. Now, the belief that I was unforgivable was really engrained on my heart and mind. I believed God was punishing me and I had no idea how to reconcile my life to Him. I was attending the Catholic Church, but I still found no solace for my life.

Now, the belief that I was unforgivable was really engrained on my heart and mind.

Through a series of events, that I now know to be divine, we found out about a baby girl born on May 25, 1984 and three days later she became ours. We were able to adopt this beautiful blue-eyed bundle and, finally, the dream to have a child came true. We couldn’t have loved Meghann more if she had been born to us.

Though we had a child that we had so desperately wanted, my husband and I knew there was still a void in our lives. God had been drawing us closer to Him in many ways, and it was on July 7, 1986 that a pastor friend of my sister’s came to our home. We prayed in our living room that day to receive Christ. God had a lot to do to grow me in His wisdom, love, and understanding of His forgiveness. He certainly did change my life. I devoured Scripture and learned so much. Hebrews 8:12 truly spoke to my heart. “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” I came to believe God really had forgiven my sin.

For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more. -Hebrews 8:12

In the late fall of 1986, we found out I was pregnant again. The doctors assured me that bedrest would help to sustain the pregnancy. I was thrilled that I didn’t miscarry at 12 weeks like I had before. But in March of 1987, at a routine sonogram, the technician spent over an hour noting what was on the screen. We went to OKC for another sonogram and that doctor shared that the baby boy I was carrying had an anomaly that was not conducive with life. Our son Nathan’s brain had developed outside of his head. He was still alive and we had to wait till his death to deliver him. On Wednesday, March 18, 1987, Nathan was stillborn. We had Christian friends who loved us through that very difficult time. Our almost three-year-old daughter, Meghann, was always our joy too.

Almost five months later, at a revival we were having at church, a lawyer friend shared with us that a woman came to his office that day who would be delivering a child in the next several weeks. She had a two-year-old son, was unmarried and wanted to put the baby up for adoption. We were positive later that through a series of different divine experiences, we were able to adopt our second daughter who was born on September 12, 1987.

When we looked back to March when Nathan was stillborn, God already knew that our daughter Ashleigh was conceived and would become our child. We were able to dedicate both of our daughters to the Lord at the end of that month.

Perhaps you’re walking the same road of shame, grief, loss, regret, and depression that I did. It’s important to know that God can and will forgive you. I sought Christian counseling which immensely helped me heal. My counselor also encouraged me to have a ceremony of love for the child I aborted. God’s forgiveness was transformational. Isaiah 43:25 says, “I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.”

I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more. -Isaiah 43:25

It’s been several years that I’ve been walking in God’s redeeming love and forgiveness. He’s brought me through more trials in my life and I am assured daily of His love for me. I’ll walk the rest of my life knowing I’ve failed Him many times, but He’s never failed me.

My life is full now. I can see how God blessed my first generation with my daughters, and I have four grandsons that are blessings from God as well.

I was a slave to my sin, but Jesus said in John 8:35-36 that “a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs in it forever. So, if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” God offers forgiveness and freedom to anyone who asks for it. 

If you are struggling because of a past abortion, please know you are not alone. There are many women who are walking through life with the same grief, shame, guilt, loss, and regret. There are also people wanting to help you through healing. 

Peace, healing, and forgiveness are there waiting for you.

Please reach out for help, and please do not suffer through this alone.

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Thank you, Adrienne, for sharing your story of hope and forgiveness. He surely is a loving, forgiving, and merciful God.