The Journey to Beginning Again

Sometimes life doesn’t end up like we hoped it would. Time after time, Rebecca had hope that life would be easier and that she would know a love that she dreamed of, but disappointment kept falling at her doorstep. You will be encouraged by this story as she finds true love and joy from the One that helped her to begin again.

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I found myself on our back porch crying, again. I had barely made it through the work day to make it home to cry in isolation, where I wouldn’t have to explain my tears. It seemed to be an ongoing theme in my life. It was a pattern and cycle of loss I so desperately wanted out of, but life seemed to have different ideas. At this point in my life, I had just turned 40. My younger self would have thought how old this is, but now I realize it’s not even close!

I have discovered some seasons of life are like driving through the plains of Oklahoma. You can see for miles. You can see clearly the path for which you are headed. While other times in life your vision is clouded and you can’t even see an inch ahead. You ask for directions, but even the GPS can’t determine your location. It keeps shouting, “Make a u-turn!” but you can’t even find a place to turn around. You’re on a path you did not plan. You’re on a path you could not foresee.  You’re on a path that wrenches your soul and you are even uncertain if life could ever be good again.

I was again in one of those seasons. Unwanted. Unforeseen. Unimaginable. It was a rinse and repeat of my childhood. It was a rinse and repeat of my first marriage. How can this be happening again?  God, all I ever wanted was to be considered, to be protected, to be safe, and mostly to be loved. How is it the one thing which seems to come by so easily to others is the one thing which I can’t keep? I had more questions than answers. I had more hurt than hope. I had finally reached a point in life where apathy had set in and seemed to be seeping through every part of my being. I just didn’t care anymore. Life had just been too hard, and I was done.

The Beginning

My father was an alcoholic and not the funny type of alcoholic (as if there is one). He was the kind that turns Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde. Unfortunately, all I ever saw was Mr. Hyde. My entire childhood I prayed God would fix my daddy and my family. I was scared in my own home every day. I hid a lot or ran to keep away from the yelling, screaming and the pain of watching the people you love most, your parents, be in constant state of hate and hurt towards each other. I got really good at hiding and running. I would live a life of pretend in the outside world to hide the trauma being suffered at home. I was such a good girl growing up, but it didn’t seem to be enough. I thought, “Maybe if I make straight A’s they will love me. Maybe if I clean the house, my dad will quit drinking. Maybe if I am quiet enough, they won’t yell tonight. Maybe if I just pray harder and be better, my family will be better.” Maybe..Maybe…Maybe.

It never happened while I was a child. At 17, I packed all my stuff in my car and drove myself, alone to college. I worked two and three jobs to get through school and graduated with honors and a 3.95 GPA when I was twenty years old. I was the first person in my family to graduate college. I thought everything would be okay at this point, but the delusion that I could run and hide from the trauma that was bred into me was just that. A delusion. I was so angry at God for failing to answer such a simple prayer of having a family to love me.

A New Season

Needless to say, when I married my children’s dad, I had no clue what love was. I had never experienced it. It was a better life than I had as a kid, so I accepted it. I began to seek God earnestly after my daughter was born. I can truly say, this is when I knew what love was. I finally had an understanding and a clearer picture of when the Bible spoke of love, what it looked like.  In my pursuit to find a better life, I found something even better. God. A real relationship with my creator which began to change my life from the inside out.  To see myself as God sees me and to be loved is one of the greatest gifts to ever receive. It provides the security to grow. It gives wings to fly and become all you were destined to be. I went to church after church seeking God. I read book after book and I prayed and cried out to God for help in overcoming the trauma of life and the hurt that penetrated my soul.  

I wish I could say everything was “happily ever after” after my dedication of my life to God, but it doesn’t work like that. See, not even God will change a person’s choice or free will. The rain falls on the just and the unjust. Not that I was anyway in the “just” category but to convey the simple truth that simply life is not fair. 

My first marriage ended in betrayal, heartache, and ultimately divorce. I reconciled this to not marrying a Christian man and if I would have, all would have been okay. Makes sense right? 

The Next Season

It wasn’t long after the divorce I met a godly man. We married fairly quickly as he had also been through a traumatic ending of a marriage and was raising two small boys on his own.  

This began the very best years of my life and I believed it was an answer to all the prayers of my younger self.  We blended our families and our kids became brothers and sister. We built a beautiful home together and I would call that home “the house that God built”. We served in church together, prayed together, ate together, and laughed together. We loved together. Every day I would thank God for the family I had desired my entire life. I would teach at church of the power of God to restore all things. I used our coming together as the expressing of beauty from God our creator. I learned so much in those years and my faith in God grew daily. God blessed us so very much.

But one day, he too decided to walk away.  

It seemed that sudden to me. This great man of God made a decision to turn away from God, and abruptly so. He began drinking a lot, gambling, and seeing another woman. I have no words to describe this pain. I prayed and prayed and prayed that God would fix it, but my husband didn’t want that life anymore. In a blink of an eye, I lost most everything, again. 

It was like I was living a nightmare but couldn’t wake up.  

And that is what brings me to the back porch.  

The Moment I Won’t Forget

As I was on the back porch crying out to God, I heard God in His still small voice tell me, “You need to thank me for your life.”

I immediately rose up and shouted, “I didn’t ask for this life!” 

And I heard Him again, even softer say, “You need to thank me for your life”.  Weeping more tears now, I said, “God, thank you for my life”.

And that was the beginning of beginning again.  

Beginning Again

Life as a Christian does not mean everything will be perfect or that you are somehow immune to the fallen nature of this world and people, but it does mean one thing. You are never alone. Not ever. Never! You never have to face the hardships without the strength and grace of a Father who so deeply loves you. Even if you lose everything and everyone, you have something no one can take from you and that is your hope in a God whose unfailing love is stronger and bigger than anything in this world. He turns ashes into beautiful things!

These seasons in life are when you most need God’s navigation. You look up by faith and one day at a time you seek Him to guide you. You look up instead of around you for your strength to make it through one more day. You look up to ask God to breathe hope back into your life. You look up for the resolve to begin again.

And that’s just what I did. I made a decision to begin again. I made the decision to grab hold of becoming all God created me to be. I made the decision it was not too late for God to give me the desires of my heart regardless, and in spite, of the pain and brokenness I had walked through.

My Life Now

The back-porch incident was right around seven years ago and can I tell you how BEAUTIFUL my life has become? Can I tell you God has allowed me to see miracle after miracle in my life after walking through that valley? Can I tell you about the inner peace, the joy, the love that daily overflows my heart?

God has provided for me in a way no man ever has. He helped me find a great job of which I now manage an entire team. He helped me to finish raising my kids and help my daughter graduate from college. Now, a second generation of college graduate in my family! He helped me buy my own home, on my own. He’s allowed me so many opportunities to travel around the world and has given me the closest of friends who are more like family. He healed my son from a fatal heart defect through surgery and continues to provide for me in a way that leaves me humbled and in awe! And during this season of sudden singleness, He has healed me from the inside out and given me a life I am loving to live.

In a world of constant change, you must fix your eyes on Jesus and keep them fixed. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. With Him, nothing is impossible. With Him, miracles are second nature.  With Him, there is nothing too small or too big that He cannot accomplish. If you are walking through a season of loss, I encourage you to have hope and the courage to begin again!