Miscarriage | A Journey Through Loss and Healing

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Today my friend, Esther, is telling her story. I pray you are encouraged to hear how God was with her and brought healing to her heart.

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I had always wanted to be two things: a dentist and a mother. I always thought it would be in that order too.

Casey and I got married fairly young. It was the week before my 20th birthday. He was 23. I was in my third year of a biochemistry degree working towards dental school.

When we found out we were pregnant with our daughter, Riley, a few months after our wedding, we were really surprised. Actually, I was kind of mad. That wasn’t my plan and I thought God knew that. Through that pregnancy God really worked in my heart and showed me that dental school was not in HIS plan for me. It took me a little while to come to grips with that, but He made it clear in my heart and mind.

We had our second kid, Logan, a year and a half later. Casey felt like our family was complete with Riley and Logan, so I agreed and didn’t think much of having more children. I was working on completing school and taking care of our two littles and Casey worked long hours. We were pretty content with our life. Little did we know that some of our toughest days were coming soon.

The Unexpected

About two years after Logan was born, we found out our third baby was on the way. I remember thinking, “How are we supposed to raise three kids in this tiny house on our income. God, is this really happening?” I couldn’t understand how this was going to work out. Our concerns drifted away as we saw the baby’s heartbeat in an ultrasound. We began making plans and envisioning our family with a new little life in our home. We even told our kids they would be having a new sibling. Life was good and we were looking forward to this new addition to our family.

A few weeks later I had a routine doctors appointment. The initial ultrasound results were not clear, so we were asked to come again the next day for a more in depth ultrasound. We left the doctors office a little anxious, but Casey reassured me everything would be okay.

The next day I drove back to OKC with my dear friend Tiffany, since Casey couldn’t take off work. I went in for the ultrasound. The tech was very quiet. As she held her pen to record the baby’s heartbeat I just heard silence. I tried really hard to stay positive, but I still wondered if I was about to hear dreaded news.

The ultrasound tech kindly walked me to another room and my midwife came in to tell me the words I feared most. I fell apart. The only words I could get out were, “Can I have a picture of my baby?”

After we discussed the next steps, my friend and I made the drive home. It was a fairly quiet drive. The thing I remember most about it was hearing the song Praise You In This Storm, by Casting Crowns. That song still brings tears to my eyes today. They are the cry of my heart even now as I think back to the difficult days we walked through.  

And I'll praise you in this storm

And I will lift my hands

That you are who you are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm

I told Casey my biggest hurt was not getting to hold our little one on this side of Glory. I had envisioned our life with another baby, and now I had to picture our lives without them. Casey held me close and we just sat there. Neither of us really knew what to do or say. He prayed for wisdom. I cried. I wasn’t angry that part of God’s plan in our life was losing a baby, but my heart was shattered. I knew miscarriage was a very real thing, but just never thought it would happen to us. 

I had a busy few days coming up and hoped it might allow me to focus on other things. But that wasn’t God’s plan. I soon delivered our tiny baby. In the midst of my everyday life, God, in His perfect timing and most incredible goodness, granted me the desire of my heart. I got to hold our baby. The little bitty baby that grew inside of my womb for almost nine weeks. His arms were developed and his face was starting to take shape. God’s craftsmanship was beautiful.

Casey and I named him Jacob Ray. I sat and held our precious baby and thanked God for allowing me that experience. He didn’t have to, but He did, and I’m so thankful!

Healing

The next few weeks were kind of a haze. There were moments of sadness and moments of great joy! We told Riley and Logan about Jacob, so they had lots of questions. It was the holiday season, and being cheerful was difficult. Many people didn’t quite understand why we weren’t over it yet and felt like we needed to move on. God did a lot of healing in our hearts over the next few months though.

I got to know a number of ladies at our new church that had also experienced this kind of loss and walked alongside me. It was comforting to feel like I could talk freely about what I was feeling with others that knew that same pain. It was also helpful to have godly women that could point me back to Christ, especially on the darkest and hardest days. Later, I would know women facing similar pain and I would get to walk alongside them and help point them to Christ.

About two months later, we found out we were pregnant with our rainbow baby, Taylor. This happened the same week Casey was laid off from his job. We had no idea how to process all of that at the same time. I was terrified of losing another baby and didn’t let myself get excited, not for awhile. 

God continually put Psalm 139 on my heart. I studied it, prayed it, and memorized it. I knew that my God was good and faithful, I had to trust Him and give Him my anxieties and fears. That chapter in the Bible tells me that He knows everything about me, is always with me, and that He knows each of us from the time we are formed in our mother’s womb. This passage of scripture brought me so much comfort and peace.

When Taylor was born, I felt so conflicted. I was so happy she was here and that I could hold her, but I still felt guilt over losing Jacob. I struggled with postpartum depression for a few weeks. I tried really hard to will that away. A friend of mine told me that God loved Jacob just as much as He loves Taylor, and that it’s ok for me to miss who Jacob would have been while still loving and being excited about who Taylor would be. Her wisdom really helped me through that struggle.

God tells us in His word that every day of our lives is numbered in His book. I had to learn to trust His will was still good even if I didn’t like it, and that even though we would have trials and tribulations in this world, that He had overcome the world (John 16:33). Oh how healing that was! God tells us we will have trials, storms, rough patches. 

Being a follower of Christ doesn’t mean we are exempt from those things, but it means we have a hope in Jesus that will bring us through those times. He will use those times for our good and His glory. I learned to trust Him in a deeper and stronger way through the loss of Jacob. I learned and grew through this experience and thank God for the nine weeks I carried him. I trusted that He would use that for His glory somehow.

Another Loss

About a year later, we found out we were pregnant again. It was déjà vu. We were pregnant on the same timeline of Jacob’s life, exactly two years later. One day I woke up and was having symptoms of what could be a miscarriage. The doctor’s office couldn’t get me in for an appointment, so I was told to rest, drink lots of water, and try not to worry. The symptoms stopped and I felt pretty good. I tried not to worry.

We soon had our first ultrasound. Casey couldn’t make it with me, so Tiffany came along. I was speechless when the doctor told me there was no baby growing in my womb. I couldn’t call Casey to tell him. Tiffany had to do it for me. 

My heart felt shattered once again. How could we lose two babies? Did I not learn all the lessons God had for me? Was there something else I missed? Did I do something wrong by not going to the doctor when I had been concerned? My head was spinning. The song, Praise You In This Storm, came on the radio again while driving home. This time the second verse stood out to me the most. 

I remember when I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry you raised me up again

My strength is almost gone how can I carry on

If I can't find you

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear you whisper through the rain

I'm with you

And as your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

The God who gives and takes away

We decided to name her Rosebud. Losing her shook us even harder than the losing Jacob. Casey and I could not figure out how to process everything. We knew to lean on Christ, but what did that look like this time?

It felt like we kind of just went through the motions for the next couple of months.

The Full Circle

But God. He was right there with us, close to the broken hearted the whole time. During a checkup in early April, we learned that not only did I have a fibroid tumor (that later miraculously disappeared) but we were expecting our last biological baby.

The due date was November 18, exactly three years after we miscarried Jacob, and exactly one year after we miscarried Rosebud, our second miscarriage.

God very clearly was showing us that He was and is a mighty God and that Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” was true, like all scripture. 

He was calling us to praise Him through the good, bad, and ugly. He was calling us to look to Him for our strength and our refuge. He was calling us to point others to Him through what He had done in and through our life. 

I’d love to say these miscarriages were the only trials we have faced in our lives, or that they will be the only trials we would face, or that every trial would have such a beautiful, full circle healing like these did for us. I’d love to say that we so perfectly and faithfully trust Him as our first response to every difficulty that comes up. But we don’t. We are imperfect humans striving to follow a perfect Savior. 

I do know that God is good through the ups and downs. He is faithful through the darkness. His plans and timing are always perfect even if we don’t see it in our lifetime. And He is our strength. He is our encourager and our refuge. 

. . . . .

Thank you, Esther, for sharing your story of trials, pain, and ultimately how God helped you through those times. Your testimony of following Christ through difficulty is an encouragement to follow Him no matter what comes our way.

Click on this title, Praise You In This Storm, to listen to the song that helped Esther through this difficult journey.