Miscarriage | A Journey of Peace through Pain

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Today I’m telling my story. As you read this, I pray that you don’t just see a story about me, but a story about the God who brings peace during pain.

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Dear God, please let this baby live. This was the prayer I prayed everyday as I made the one-mile trek to work as a nanny in Cambridge, Massachusetts. My husband and I had just found out we were expecting our first baby and I was so excited. It was a longing of my heart for so long, and finally there was life growing inside of me.

Why did I say that prayer? Losing a baby in early pregnancy was something that hit close to home, as my sister had experienced that loss just a year before. I thought that surely it wouldn’t happen to us both. Surely this baby will live, but since I had learned miscarriage is a fairly common thing, the fear of losing the baby was in the back of my head. So I prayed.

For the most part, I pushed those thoughts aside and my husband and I spent our time talking and planning and dreaming about what life would be like as a family of three. Would the baby be a boy or a girl? What will we name him or her? How will we make room for another person in our tiny apartment? What baby items will we need? Our conversations were filled with the hopes and dreams of these questions. It was fun! After six years of marriage and finally deciding to start a family, it was a gift to live out this longing of my heart.

We couldn’t wait to see the baby’s heartbeat at the first doctor’s appointment. As we finally sat in the doctor’s office, I was anticipating what I had dreamed of for years. I couldn’t wait.

After the usual wait, we were led to the small room and met the doctor. She asked me questions, did the exam, and said everything was good! I was relieved and thought we were clear for a healthy baby. She brought in the ultrasound machine and I couldn’t wait to hear and see the tiny life growing inside of me. She began the screening and all I could hear was silence. After she searched around for a little bit, she finally said the dreaded words. There was no heartbeat. Another more detailed ultrasound the next day confirmed what we feared. The baby was not living.

My husband and I didn’t know what to do. What could we do but wait? But wait for what? There was now nothing to wait for.

This is a special blanket we bought when we found out we were expecting, along with our announcement card and a handmade bunny a friend made.

We had times of heavy tears, times of prayer, times of having to share the news with our family. The family I nannied for allowed me to have a couple days off, which was a blessing. My husband and I spent those days just being together. We sat and talked. We prayed. We drove around. We walked through the Boston Common and took a little boat ride. I was so thankful to have that time together just being with each other. It was very healing to talk and reconsider the plans and dreams that had been on our minds.

Though this was a deeply painful situation to go through and many tears were shed, I remember having peace. I knew that God was in control. He always uses our difficult situations for good doesn’t He? Even if things are difficult, there is always some good that comes from the pain.

Words of encouragement sent to us during this time were so valuable.

The best thing I knew from this pain was the miraculous peace that God laid in mine and my husband’s heart. I truly felt His peace that passes all understanding. I specifically remember thinking about these three truths from the Bible.

God knows everything. God knew every single detail about this pregnancy. He knew my heart. He knew my husband’s heart. He knew the pain and the grief that we were going through. He knew that this baby was not going to live. Most importantly, He knew what was best. And even if His best was painful for me, I trusted that the pain had some kind of good that was coming from it. He knows everything.

God is everywhere. He was with me through that pain. I knew He was there and that brought so much peace to my heart. He was there holding my hand, pouring comfort into my heart, and pouring wisdom into my mind. He was there.

God has the power to do anything. He has the power to do as He sees fit in any situation. Then why?! Isn’t that the question we all ask when things are tough? Why?! If He has the power to do anything, why do we have to go through so much pain in this world? Often times…I don’t know. What I do know is that when we go through pain, it gives us the chance to grow closer to Him. If things are always easy, we tend to trust in ourselves, our family, our job, our world. But when things get hard, we realize we need something bigger than what this world has to offer. We need Him. We need Him everyday. And we tend to depend on Him more when things are hard. During that time of pain and loss, I knew that I could trust that His plan and purpose even though it was hard. I didn’t completely understand it all, but I trusted that if He was in control (and I knew He was) that everything was going to be ok.

Are you going through a hard time right now? Are you struggling with pain from the past? I encourage you to look at what the Bible says about who God is.

God knows everything.

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

Psalm 139:1-4

God is everywhere.

Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.

Psalm 139:7-12 (ESV)

God has the power to do anything.

And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

Colossians 1:17

Knowing Him gave me so much peace during this difficult time. Knowing Him and who He is will help you too.

There were several people who sent cards of congratulations to us, then several weeks later came cards of sympathy and hope. The wise words of mine and Nathan’s grandmas (among others) were filled with hope and encouragement to cling to Jesus and the hope we have in Him.

My grandma’s letter of encouragement was and is such a gift.

The words from my Grandma tell me how sorry she was for our loss, then pointed us to Jesus. “But, as we always say, the Lord knows all things and us, and he always knows best. Right?”

This card from Nathan’s grandma still brings tears to my eyes.

Nathan’s grandma wrote to us these words, “From conception we start loving that child. This will be a time that tests our faith. 1 Peter 1:7 talks about the trial of your faith being much more precious than gold. I believe we have a little one in heaven. I love you. This is a time for you to remember to cleave to one another.”

What wise words from two women who have probably gone through more trials and pain than I can imagine. How did they know to give us those words of hope? Because they had clung to them too. They know the God that brings hope and peace to dark days of grief and sadness.

I leave you with this. During those days of loss, loneliness, and pain that might be unbearable…

seek Jesus,
remember who God is,
read the Bible,
pray,
praise Him,
be thankful,
be with people who will do the same.

There, you will find peace.