The Perfect Match | A Journey as a Single Woman

The perfect white dress. The fairytale wedding. The perfect guy. Having kids and starting a family. These are things that most girls dream about. But sometimes those dreams do not come true. Today, Mindy is sharing her story of how she has navigated through the ups and downs of being a single woman and how she lives a life of hope and courage along the way. I hope you are encouraged!

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The Dream

Let me start from when I was a child. My dad was a professional photographer in Pryor, Oklahoma. I grew up going to weddings all the time. Almost every weekend my dad was doing pictures at a wedding. The old way of doing pictures. You know, using real film. A lot of times my parents asked if I wanted to go to a wedding. I would always say yes. Why would a young girl not want to go to a wedding and see a beautiful bride? I grew up going to weddings all the time. I listened to them talk to my parents about what they wanted in their pictures for their special day. When I was in high school, my friends and I would fill out the photography info sheets and fill it out with the name of the guys we liked and who the wedding party would be. At the time, which ever friend I was with was the maid of honor. That was kind of a joke. My dad did close to 750 weddings. I would say I probably have been to about that many weddings in my lifetime.

There’s no doubt, I dreamed of the perfect dress and wedding. And in turn, I dreamed of having a great marriage and building a family together.

The Beginning of the Journey

I spent my twenties going through college, being involved in college ministry, and starting my own life. One summer I was unexpectedly an intern for a youth group at a church. I will never forget, the first summer I was at Oklahoma State University, I didn’t know what I was going to do. The college ministry director at BSU asked me what I was going to do that summer. I thought I was going to take a class. The class got canceled and I told him I didn’t have any plans.

“What do you got for me?” I asked.

And he said, “Well do you want to be a youth intern at a church in Tulsa?”

So, I thought, “Sure, why not? I’m not married. I’m single. Let’s go spend a summer there.”

I was always an independent gal too. So I spent the summer in Tulsa working with the youth group. The very first day I was there, the youth pastor told me and the other intern that he was leaving. He told us he was only going to be there for a couple of weeks and that the interns were going to be leading the group through the summer. He said the reason he wanted me to come was because I had really good administration skills and would help keep things organized. He also liked the fact that I had a lot of experience doing Bible studies with girls. The other intern was going to be the crazy activities guy. So he thought we would be the perfect team to lead the group over the summer. That was kind of where ministry started for me.

I always enjoyed being in Bible studies with ladies and college girls. Titus 2:3-5 tells older women to teach the younger what is good. I’ve always thought it’s important to have somebody younger in my life that I can help along the way and someone older in my life that I can look up to. I’ve been fortunate. I’ve always had older women in my life that I could look up to and go to with whatever I’m struggling with. Some of those ladies that have been important in my life through the years have already gone to be with the Lord. They have passed away of cancer or old age and somehow the Lord always fills in the gap with someone I need.

When I started working in the youth group at my church, there was a group of girls that was at my house all the time. They would come to my house for Bible study and they just wanted to keep coming. I always felt like I needed to feed them when they came over. That’s when I started getting pretty good at making large amounts of food…pancakes, mini pizzas, chili, and cookies.

Anyway, this group of girls would hang out at my house on Sundays, and they would come back on Monday nights. They just wanted a place to come hang out. We would have slumber parties with pallets and sleeping bags. They didn’t care that I only had a 1,400 square foot house. They just loved being together and hanging out.

One summer we went through a book called Lady in Waiting and we talked about hospitality. We decided that each week one of them would be in charge of making a meal. I used my china and I set it up really nice. They had so much fun with this. The thing I wanted to teach them was how important it was to sit around the table. The hospitality, the cooking, and quality time together was something they all looked forward to. Some teamed up. Some cooked their mom’s favorite meal and learned from their mom. “Momma Mindy” became my name over the years. We have had reunions, and a lot of them are married and have babies now. Now I’m “Grandmomma Mindy”!

The Hard Part

When I turned thirty, I planned a celebration. I wanted everyone to bring me thirty of something. This one college guy brought me thirty votives. He said I was always full of energy and not burning out. This is when I started doing the mental thing saying…if I were to get married by this age I could still have kids by this age. The closer I got to thirty-five, the more I started to think I was running out of time to have kids.

People would ask me…

You’ve never been married? Really?

Do you have kids? No.

And the older I got in my thirties, the harder it got. My thirties were really hard for me. I was dreading turning forty because I thought that was the end of my chance of having kids. I was also going through some physical things. I had a thyroid problem. I would say I was probably depressed too.

Fast forward to being forty-two, I knew I needed to go see my doctor and get a full physical. I dreaded it. During the exam she said, “I feel a large hard mass in your lower abdomen.” She said those words right there. She asked me if I knew what was going on and she said, “You could have cancer.”

That kind of scared me. It freaked me out. I needed to lay down on the table because I thought I was going to pass out. They immediately sent me to get a cat scan. I called a friend to see if she could meet me at the hospital to come sit with me. I found out I did have a large tumor about the size of a soccer ball or cantaloupe and that I was going to need to have a hysterectomy. Side note: If you’re having hormonal problems, get to the doctor and seek help with that.

When I found out I needed to have the surgery and that the tumor was not cancerous, it was almost like I had a seven year flash back to when I was thirty-five. I realized that all those years I had this tumor growing inside of me that was pretty toxic to my hormones and my body. Even my thyroid played into it. I wasn’t all of the sudden angry. I was actually relieved that what I was struggling with was really something going on in my body that was affecting me in other ways. I also realized I probably would have never been able to have kids with that tumor anyway.

After the surgery, it was kind of like bits and pieces were coming together of why I was feeling the way I had been feeling. I couldn’t pin point the exact moment, but I was relieved to have that tumor out. It was something that was toxic to me overall. Not to say that was a miracle healing for me. But then, I felt like moving forward and I knew it was a part of my story and of God’s grace in my life. The thought of not having kids had been a struggle for me. It wasn’t happening, and then I found out it may have never happened to begin with.

I was thankful it wasn’t cancerous, but it was still a really hard year for me, physically, while recovering from that surgery. After surgery, it was like women came out of the woodworks. Older ladies came out saying they had the same thing happen to them. I had a whole new network of ladies who I could relate to in a new way.

Although it was a very difficult year of physical healing, it was a relief and helped me move forward as a more content and confident single woman.

A Turning Point for the Good

That was the hard part, but there was so much good during those years too.

Travel

People have told me that I have so much time and so much freedom. And I would say that in the last several years, I have really embraced that in a totally different way. I’m still spending time with people and doing Bible studies. But I’m also going places by myself. I have felt this freedom of being brave to go. There is a fear I have to fight, but I tell myself, “You know, I’ve gone on mission trips to Boston and led twenty people on a trip, so why can’t I do this?” I also knew some older single ladies that I saw traveling by themselves and I figured, if she can do it, I can too. Now I can say I’ve been on four trips by myself. On two of those, a friend met me.

I’ve found that I love mountains and city sites, but I am a water person. There is just something soothing about hearing the waves and seeing the views.

I will be fifty next year and I’m already planning fifty things I want to do that year. Seeing some friends, writing some letters, traveling, and being on a game show are on my list. I’d love to be on the Price Is Right! It’s almost like I’m making this turn of a century…turning fifty. So, I’m asking myself what that is going to look like for me. I’m at the point of telling myself that I do not have to have a family to reach for these dreams that I have, and I’ve decided to go ahead and make some of them happen.

Advice to Others

The spiritual advice is…

Trust God.
Know that He has a perfect plan for you.
Remember that singleness is a gift from the Lord. I’ve heard that last one many times. I know it, but understanding that and what it really looks like is a process.
Find a good group of ladies that are your support that you can go and talk to.
Find someone that is older in your life and someone that is younger that you know you can invest in. I’m so grateful for those relationships.
Find your identity in Christ. This is the most important thing you can do.

On the other hand, if you are really longing to get married and you don’t think you can live the rest of your life as a single person, then you might need to be proactive in finding a relationship. I know that seems funny, but if you are constantly longing for someone, then put yourself out there in places you might meet a godly man. Find a place where you can serve and be ministered to and know that it’s ok to be single.

Finding True Hope

A man is not going to complete me and a marriage is not going to complete me. I’ve been around long enough that I know that there is no perfect man and there is no perfect marriage. I recognize that I can only be complete in Christ.

I do my best to spend time with Him each day and in the Bible. I use an app called First 5 that has a Bible reading for each day. They have gone through the whole Bible in the last few years. You can go to the app and see that you can follow through any of the past studies. I don’t do it perfectly, but spending time with the Lord and in His word is important.

I am always afraid for the girl that puts her hope in having that husband; afraid that she loses her identity of the person she is in Christ alone. Because no matter what, even if you are married, you are still that individual in Christ. Jesus is always the perfect match.

The Future

I have no idea what the future holds for me. The older my parents get, the more I see myself being there for them. I want to do that, and I feel I should do that as their child. There are times when I think I could still get married. And I hope I do later on in life. Back in the day, throwing the bouquet was a really big thing. I would always joke and say I wanted to be the one to catch the bouquet. I’ve caught enough bouquets that I could open a flower shop!

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Mindy, thank you for sharing your story! You are a true example of how to use the path that God has led you on for His glory. You have taken a difficult path that has encouraged others toward Christ. Thank you for your example and for your courage to share with us.