Jars of Clay | A Journey Through Foster Parenting
As we walk this journey of life, we know we will have pain. Pain is not fun, beautiful. or pleasant, but we know that it can lead to strength, growth, and character. Walking through a door that we know will be painful for the sake of loving God and loving others can be difficult. Below, my friend tells part of her story of foster parenting. I am encouraged by her unselfish love and honesty in telling her story and I’m inspired by her continued commitment in walking this rewarding, yet difficult journey. I pray you are encouraged too. (Names have been changed for privacy purposes.)
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But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.
2 Corinthians 4:7
My name is Beth and my foster care journey has been life changing. I received a college education and had aspirations of perhaps working in government or doing big things. But as a Christian, my perspective has slowly shifted to doing small things in my path for a big God. This God sent His only Son to pay for my sins and give me light. No longer do I walk in darkness and guilt, but I have light and peace. With this light and peace, my goal now is to be an instrument of God's peace to those around me. Of course this can be done by famous people doing important things, but for me it has ended up being a very normal person doing small things.
When we began our journey in 2017, our family consisted of my husband and me, and our biological children: a boy (6), and a girl (4). We were busy navigating a couple of diagnoses for our own kids and beginning our homeschooling journey. My husband (an attorney) was also gearing up for a time-consuming trial at work. But it was at that time that God impressed on my husband and me that it was time to reach beyond the walls of our home to other kiddos in need of a home. In 2017, there were 20,000 children in foster care in our state with less than 5,000 families to care for them. Guilt did not lead us into this journey, but the numbers definitely affirmed the great need in our community.
We took classes, filled out mountains of paperwork, obtained fingerprint cards, had background checks, and answered deeply personal questions about our history, marriage, parenting, and viewpoints. It took effort, but we were blessed to have people rally behind us. My brother and sister-in-law watched our kids while we took classes, my in-laws supported our marriage by giving us date nights, and God reaffirmed to us through His Word and sermons that this was His heart for us right now. The licensing classes that we took were helpful and sobering but did not deter us.
Depending on the day, we felt excited, nervous, anxious, eager, or terrified. It’s daunting to think of bringing a traumatized child into your home. There are so many unknowns. I wrote in my journal at the beginning of 2017: “Our steps toward foster parenting are invigorating and terrifying at the same time. There is so much pain behind this door of fostering. So much that I cannot un-see, un-hear, or un-know. So much that the world around me will not understand...” We expected the journey to be hard, but rewarding. It was more than we could have imagined on both fronts.
A Jar of Clay
One picture from the Bible that always stands out, as I try to bring peace to those around me, is the picture of a treasure in a jar of clay. The treasure I have is light and peace. The jar of clay is me; I’m not perfect and my family is not without its challenges. But family is not just for us - it’s for God. In fact, family was God’s idea for people to show His love and care. We want to share light and bring peace to those around us. This means reaching beyond our comfort zone. Jesus loves the poor and powerless, the orphan and the widow, and the more I become like Jesus, the more I care about these people, too.
Our first placement, Violet, came to us in July of 2017. She was a petite two-year-old with fearful eyes and a wonderful sense of humor. We loved her immediately. We were Violet’s third placement in just 6 months so it took her a while to adjust. We were resolute in our perspective that Violet’s regular displacements would stop with us. Our family would care for her until resolution if at all possible. Violet had a number of delays, due to trauma, as well as normal kid-stuff and I had 40 appointments related to her in her first three months in our home.
We had Violet in our home for three years - more than 1,000 days. She and my daughter were sisters who loved Frozen and wearing matching dresses. At the same time, we fully supported Violet’s visits with her biological family, even driving her an hour each way to see her brother when DCS was not providing the necessary transportation for them to visit. We also facilitated most of her reunification process. About 6 months into our journey with Violet we were able to establish a relationship with her biological father. He came to Church with us and told us that it changed his life. He was baptized on Easter Sunday at our Church. This was beautiful, but it was also hard. He struggled with mental illness and this was difficult to navigate. I battled anxiety on Sundays when I knew I’d need to navigate shared parenting, mental health issues, and the uncertainty of Violet’s case.
A Useful Jar of Clay
Jars of clay are meant to be useful, not just for looking pretty. Sometimes the use is hard. Most of the ways my jar was used were “normal things.” I took Violet to the doctor, fought for her to get early intervention in education, shuttled her to therapy, and made space for her to sit with some big feelings. As cracks deepend, though, I like to think that more light spilled out.
When Violet had been with us a year and a half the State pursued severance in her case. Severance is where the biological parents’ rights are ended, so significant evidence must be presented to make this case. The case was complex but the severance trial took place and we waited for a ruling, knowing that either way would bring both sorrow and joy inextricably linked. DCS, an independent review board, our agency, and the court appointed attorney for the children all told us that severance in our case was a relatively sure thing and we could consider adopting. We learned on a Palm Sunday morning that severance had been denied. As we absorbed this shock, our Pastor preached about how Jesus walked TOWARD pain for the sake of love. Believers in Jesus are called to do the same. These words were balm for our hurting hearts.
Two things were difficult about the Court choosing to pursue reunification instead of severance. First, was the obvious grief that came from knowing we would have to say goodbye to a child we loved dearly. Second, was the knowledge that we would have to walk an incredibly painful road to get to that goodbye. It took more than a year following the ruling for reunification to be complete. A year of watching our foster daughter suffer the in-between state of her attachment, many visits, navigating shared parenting, and advocating for school supports. It was physically, emotionally, and psychologically grueling. The process had significant impacts on my health (mental and physical).
A Broken Jar of Clay
Sometimes when a jar is used, it gets broken. This is how it felt to say goodbye. In the end, Violet was not reunified with her father with whom we had a good relationship, but with another family member who wanted nothing to do with us. We have no contact with her and we miss her daily. One of the most helpful books that I read leading up to reunification was one from my sister called It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way, by Lysa TerKeurst. The author explains what can happen when a jar of clay is broken:
“[W]ise potters not only know how to form beautiful things from clay, but they also know how important it is to add some of the dust from previously broken pieces of pottery to the new clay. This type of dust is called “grog.”
When shattered just right, the grog dust added to the new clay will enable the potter to form the clay into a larger and stronger vessel than ever before. And it can go through fires much hotter as well. Plus, when glazed, these pieces end up having a much more beautiful, artistic look to them than they would have otherwise.
-Lysa TerKeurst
Right now I feel broken. I tend to view brokenness as a negative result coming from my own failure. I definitely had failures during our first case, but God really impressed on me that Jesus walked toward pain toward the sake of love (not because He failed) and that is the way of His people. Our journey with Violet was painful. In the end, my heart was broken. Maybe if I had loved less, or held something back it would have hurt less, but I don’t think that’s what Jesus would do. I left it all on the field, or rather in the heart of a child.
A Purposeful Jar of Clay
The interesting thing with light and pots is that the cracks and brokenness in the pot is exactly what allows the light to shine through. Even though I feel broken, this process allowed a child to receive love, security, and healing. My pain brought about the reunification of a family previously torn apart. This brokenness is not without purpose. My family has experienced loss and pain so that another family could be made whole. I hope that this brokenness can show a torch of light for God and His glory.
Our journey is continuing. After a period of rest we said yes to another precious soul who has now been with us for three months. Her challenges are different and her story is different. But my heart swells when I hear her singing “let the little children come to me,” knowing that she is wanted and loved here. My challenge now is that it’s hard to go back to that place of zealous love. It’s easy to get cynical in the pain. I resist the hurt of being broken again. This time the road of pain is not unfamiliar, but it’s not really easier.
I’m not sure what will become of my broken pieces. I can’t say that I see yet how they will be something more beautiful or useful than before. But my friends tell me that when they look at me in this situation, they see Jesus. And that’s enough.
For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. 2 Corinthians 4:5-10
Then the three companies blew the trumpets and broke the jars. They held in their left hands the torches, and in their right hands the trumpets to blow. And they cried out, "A sword for the LORD and for Gideon!”
Judges 7:20